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Things have been extremely stressful for me Lately [27 Sep 2007|09:56pm]
[ mood | sad ]

A.  My uncle is close to passing away because of prostate cancer

B.  Work has been shitty lately... No tips... Shitty managers and staff... crappy customers as of lately!!

C.  Daniel supposably found the reason why he first fell for me.  Leaving me confused and absolutely bewildered.  He dosen't call me or anything to tell me about this ... discovery... he hides behind myspace and otakubooty.  I ended up calling him because I had enough of the games and I want to know wttttttfff is going on.  NO ANSWER NO CALL BACK.  FUCK IT.  Im getting angry.

D.  My room is a mess.

E.  I wish I had more money for this Saturday when I go to Annapolis with my mom.  



F..... Ive been avoiding Corey.  I have not called him back, because of all of these stresses.  


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I think our fiasco scared him off!! [20 Sep 2007|10:36pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

So Corey has been avoiding me.  Wow... I feel like a scary monster.  It feels that way.  I know he's busy... but... he fell asleep on me when we were supposed to have dinner.

I have not seen him since that night... I got kind of scared of seeing him again as well... we both clearly don't want to have sex, but him and I got pretty close that night.  It really scared me, because I didn't want to disappoint myself in not sticking to a new set of morals.  Good guy or not... guys are just deceiving and cunning.  

Once you lie and it becomes a regular thing you start believing in those lies.... to the point how can you trust yourself?

Anywho... at that photoshoot I met an AMMMMMMAAZING looking man at a FUNERAL HOME during my photoshoot.  I know that's really morbid, but he was sweet and couldn't stop flirting with me.  I found him amazing looking... very outgoing and very appealing.  Anthony my photographer said give him a week to be in Hooters to find me.  He bets $100 on it.... I don't believe that for a moment.  It would be nice... to have someone look for me and want to give me a try for once.  I'd go out with him if he did the second he showed up lol.

It's nice to dream...

I had a creepy call at work a bartender says.  She started yelling at me saying that I can't have personal calls at work.  I was like... I don't know any guys who would call.  I was trully bewildered who in the hell would call work for me... Im curious.  Really curious.

That photoshoot was amazing btw... it's my best photoset yet.    Believe me.... I love my new photographer... his works are amazing.

I miss being in love, but I've grown to really despise the idea of falling ever again.  It's just a waste of time.  I've had to many bad experiences, and I want to model with male models now... I want to see other people instead of just settling for a twat and a half.

I'm excited for those photos dammit...

Corey... I don't see us happening.  It's great to talk to him and have someone to chill with, but after that night I think were two scared animals running into the woods.

Maybe mister funeral director will show up??!!! HA HA.


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Im out of it... [16 Sep 2007|10:27pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Im not in the mood to do anything.  If anyone messages me who isn't cool to me I'm going to fuck them up.


I have to get a bow tie for work tommorow, but I CANT FIND A FLIPPING bow tie.

Corey and I might hang out soon again... We have not seen each other since that night.  Hopefully we cooled down A HELL OF A LOT since then.

I want another photoshoot, because... I want better then what I just got.  Hmmm... Maybe I'm expecting too much?!

Im tired... I think it's because of the changing seasons.


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So.... A rainy day got me a date?? [15 Sep 2007|05:08am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

I went out on a date with Corey tonight.  We were supposed to go as friends downtown and just chill.  Welp... it rained so we decided to rent some horror movies together and bring home food from Sheetz.  Welp...  

-___________-;;;  I'm really getting pissed off at my body.  I hate my hormones.  I wanted to have sex so FREAKIN bad tonight.  It's like... uncontrollable.  It wasn't even me who came onto him.  First it was hugging... then it became cuddling... then it became a small peck on the forehead to me... then it was just a kiss on the lips... too longer make out sessions... to getting completely aroused and hott... trying not to make a move to convey anything further then where it was at.  He was even trying to control himself... Were both just not the kind who want to have sex quite yet... JUST NOW THERE'S THIS HUUUUUGGEEE TEMPTATION.  It was driving me crazy... I was going out of my mind.  It's trully a mission I MEAN A MISSION to not have sex when there's clearly chemistry.  I didn't have sex with him, but FUCKIN GOD...  I feel like a guy getting boners all the damn time.  Once he started rubbing my back the touch just became... HOTTT.  FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK.

Pray for me... I don't want a relationship out of this.  I say this now, because I don't see myself marrying the guy.  I'm trying my hardest to hold back from having sex and jesusssssssss I CANT STAND IT.  I feel like a drugee who needs my daily high... I think I'm a nympho.  Well put.

I need to get laid... SERIOUSLY... I just don't want to get hurt again... I keep thinking if I have a taste it wouldn't hurt right???  NO I'd get attached or be shit for just throwing someone to the side like that.  Im not like that... the temptation... is bothersome.  

If I got a friendly buddy ol pal... Id grow attach.  So I'm screwed royally till I can find myself a man.  

A group of army guys are coming to see me at Hooters next Saturday.  The one guy just got single.  Pray... this one military guy is not a player and a piece of shit.  I swear I want to find a military man who actually has a heart and isn't a cheater... deceiver and a good liar.  

So maybe my love life is starting to spice up... or is it a Soap Opera in disguise??


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... [13 Sep 2007|11:17pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

 I don't know why I'm nice....  Maybe I need to stop that, because clearly the world loves taking advantage of that.  Maybe I just need to be a bitch who treats everyone like shit.  I'd probally suceed better at life.

You think you know how people want to be treated, but WOW am I wrong in a surprising way.

I'm extremely tired and have no idea why I got out of bed.  

I guess I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick of all the pathetic STUPID LITTLE BOYS running the planet.  It just pisses me off, because I feel like all the good guys are taken.  I feel like... I'm just going to keep finding jerks.  I feel like I have no chance in the dating world, because some guys I talk to are jerks.

Today for instance my customer says he's engaged hes in love.  I told him I was envious and he's so lucky to be in that sort of commitment.  WELP... to be in that GREAT commitment.... cough cough.   His fiance and him are swingers.  He tried to hint the fact I should join their little fiasco.  Let me tell you what... IM SO NOT LIKE THAT.  I will not touch another woman's turf.  Another thing... I don't float to my own sex.  I just don't see me finding any sort of pleasure having sex with a woman.  If I did I'd be LESBIAN, because guys are such douches.  YET... I'm not...  XD  Maybe I should've been a guy... THen again I hear women are complete cunts and a half from the other side of the table as well.

I just feel after all the shit I've been through... seeing more douches at work it FEELS HOPELESS.  When there's a nice guy he's not good looking.  LOOKS do matter to me.  I'm not going to date a fat no care in the world for his hygeine.  Fuck that.  Most guys just don't look my type.  If I don't even have that I don't even want to bother.  I've become picky, and extremely narrowminded that I'll find that fuckin right frog.

I would love to have someone in my life who actually gave a damn.  Someone caring... loved me for who I was.  Someone I felt physically connected with.  GOD DAMN... My love life sucks and then some.

It's depressing.

I want a guy hott like David Beckham.... and sweeetttt..... killer in bed.... hugs and loves me to death like a teddy bear.... He acts like Im his world.  Not the center of his life or anything but makes me feel that way!!

WHATEVER.  Im cursed... there's too many assholes in this world.  MOST MILITARY GUYS.... god damn.  I just heard the worse story ever.  His fiance and him are starting a porn company.  He had 2 threesomes in Russia.  A mob guy who ran the place hooked him up with 2 hookers...  Yeah... The uniform is the only thing that does it for me not the man.


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I have a new pet... [11 Sep 2007|11:32pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I bought an aquarium today!!!  I bought a fat gold fish and I'm still trying to name it.  I love fish... I know it's retarded sounding, but I love aquatic life.  Wow... anywho... Still pondering a name for the cute fatty.  I'm thinking Sailor Jerry since it's alcohol related and it sounds goofy and orignal I guess XD

Anywho... Tommorow I'm going to Maryland just to eat at Chipotle.  I love that damn restraunt and my mom and I are going to go just to have some.

I guess there's a photoshoot up in the air with a guy and I being basically in our underwear doing a shoot together.  He'll have tattoos.  Nice.  Just Nice.  This feels like one of those Calvin Klein or Ax commercials.

Still waiting on those photos from the last shoot.  IM IN NEED to see those pictures.  I really can't wait to see.  I hope they turn out good... I'm in doubt as always.  When I get the pictures they usually look good at first, but then after seeing them a while you start hating them and realize where you messed up.  I guess they're a good study guide for now.

I want to buy COSTUMES.  I want a sailor, nurse and geisha outfit.... I love Halloween!!!!  LOVEE IT.  I want to go to the clubs... and dress up!!

Last night was the best sleep I ever had.  I slept till 1:30pm.  I never felt so refreshed in a long time!!


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Ewww Not a Single Moment of Sleep [10 Sep 2007|02:14am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I got home from work at 1am.  Double check the time Im supposed to show up in Baltimore tommorow for Step Up 2.  It's not 8:45 like I orignally thought... It's 6am.  I decided I'd have to leave around 4am to get there.  I'd take about an hour and half to get ready.  SO YES I decided not to get an hour of sleep, because that would make me REALLY REALLY TIRED.  

I think I'm going to give one of those energy shots a try.  

This isn't going to be pretty.  The ride coming home is going to be miserable.  THE NEXT DAY I'm going to have to wake up early again with hardly an hour or so of sleep.  HOPEFULLY I WONT DIE trying to make my dreams LOL.

Anywho... DANIEL looked at my Otakubooty profile again.  I DONT GET IT.  WTTTTFFF.  I just don't understand I'm bewildered.  IM SERIOUSLY FUCKIN CONFUSED.  He's a confusing person and I've gotten past the point of giving up.  I'm just throwing my hands up in the air screaming WTTTTFF again and again.

I CANT WAIT to get those pictures of that photoshoot last night.  

IM JUST WORRIED ABOUT GETTING SLEEP and my feet hurt from working xD  GOSH Im in for it.


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I am Captain Awesome Major [08 Sep 2007|10:35pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Photoshoot today.  I went downtown in lingerie.  Yup I glow in the dark.  My security guard was a man in the Navy <3  Sex on a spoon damn straight.  I had a female assitant too <3  It was a good time.  

A nice guy let me pose on his motorcycle that also decided to glow in the dark with me :D  You guys are going to love the pictures when I get them!!!  

People were taking pictures of me left and right.  The guy who let me use the bike got my picture too XD  

I ran into my manager at Hooters at the Hardware bar.  She runs out of the bar and says fancy seeing you here with just panties on!!   So yes... there was a crowd growing and lots of whistlers, but hell I light up the street with my porn star shoes and flashy cheap jewlery.

At the end of the night the photographer asked to get my picture with the Navy guy.  HELLS YES.  I DO SOOOO SUPPORT MY TROOPS <3  He just holds me by the waist.  I pull him in with this big lingerie filled hug.  Isn't he going to hate to end up on the Islands of Hawaii after that filled up hug <3  He was flirting like mad.  He was cute.  :D

Anywho being single is fun.  I can flirt like mad.  Kiss guys on the cheeks.  Hug in lingerie, and still be classy about it!!  


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HES A DOUCHE AND HALF [08 Sep 2007|02:21am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Don't add him on myspace DONTTT.  HE's an ass. 

"The funny this is . . . I don't feel a damn thing. I mean, I'm not even mad or anything. . . I feel nothing at all. And it's been that way since I started seeing other people.

Bye. Don't IM me or anything ever again. "

SO YES THIS DOUCHE brings up he's seeing other people now just to upset me.  I exploded on him.  Fuck him.  He's a jerk.  

"It's hard to believe that, but if your seeing people good for you. Your accomplishing a lot by doing so. If you need to see other people to not feel a damn thing that says a lot about you right there. It's pretty sad actually.

Your never going to change are you? Your still a player all along, and it's pathetic. People are just as human as you maybe even more so. I was stupid to even think you would do better with yourself. Still that stupid arrogant guy I met a year ago fuckin every bitch he sees. Well good luck to you on that one!

Wonderful your so cold enough not to feel a thing. That's not strong it's weak. Sorry, but wow was I fuckin pathetic to see anything in you. Messaging me with something of that nature. THEN TRYING TO FRIEND ALL MY FRIENDS?? WTF.

I was respectful enough to get rid of my myspace so you would'nt have to see shitty things that would "HURT" you. Get rid of the drama and all, but wow it's ok for you to put up that desperate of a quote.

After you I put up higher standards for myself, because DAMN IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.

Good bye yourself, and hopefully you'll grow up and treat women with more dignity then trying to degrade and upset them!!

If anything I'm over you and your stupid childish games. I pitty the next dumb bitch who would ever want anything with you."

I'm done and DONE with that fucktard.

On another note Im seeing 5 guys at once :D  Not sleeping with them either.  Nice guys that are just friends.  We went drinking again tonight and hung out.  That's better then spending my time with an asshat.

FUCK HIMMMMMMMMMMMM X100000000000000000000000000000000

Tommorow is my photoshoot.

I might go to club Vertigo tommorow.



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So Im feeling Great [06 Sep 2007|12:37am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I met someone who thinks like me a lot...  I'm growing to really enjoy talking to this guy.  We talked all night when he drove me back from Lanchaster.  I guess were going to go skydiving together :D

If anything... I'm glad I gave these guys my number.  They're extremely decent fun guys.   I'm starting to like the one, because he is sooo passionate about what he does and earns.  That's how I feel.  I feel soooo dedicated and determined to beat anyone who gets in my way of my dreams.  HENCE THE LAST BLOGGING.

I just had enough of the bullshit with him.  He's one moment into me the next he wants to break up.  I don't care to play that game anymore.  I KNOW NOW...  I DONT EVERRRRRR WANT TO GET BACK WITH HIM.  He's not worth it, because he IS CLOSED MINDED about me doing what I need with myself.  It's ok for HIM though to do whatever he wants, but when it comes to me it's a big deal.  FUCK THAT SHIT.

The guys and I all watched Saw 3 tonight.  I swear I would probally have a heart attack if something like that happened to me.  That shit is crazy.

I just feel great... a group of guys I can chill with and I can just have fun with with.  We all ate at Hooters today.  Had a can of beer... watched Saw3, and had such a great conversation with Corey on the way home.  He's awesome.  I just had the impulse of wanting to kiss him on the cheek for listening and having sooooo much in common with me.  It's great to find someone WHO ACTUALLY APPRECIATES WHAT YOUR DOING.  I didn't kiss him though... we had a nice hug.  It was a good hug.  

YES Im still planning to hold off for sex.  He seems that way so far too.  He told me he can't just sleep with someone and dump them the next day.  So he seems to have a heart from conversating with him.

Im getting the sniffles.  I GOT SHITTY TIPS TODAY.  $38.  I spent $30 on food at hooters and tips. XD


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YUP... He wants another girlfriend [05 Sep 2007|01:13am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I just want you to know your never going to hear from me again.

You already know it has something to do with your quote. If I wasn't the problem then why did we breakup? I really don't care anymore, because it makes sense now. I wasn't your type, but you never could say it.

I tried being a friend on top of everything when I didn't want to be. Then when I try opening up to you about what my father did to me you try pointing fingers at me that it's my fault some how. MY FATHER JUST TRIED TO ALMOST PUNCH ME. Right about now I need support not fingers down my throat.

Second. It's funny how you tried to break up with me the one time. I thought you came down to make up or make things better. You sleep with me... take me out to eat. Leave... and then IM me asking if I wanted to talk about us. If we could just be friends... after you just fucked me. Yeah... I was making excuses left and right in my head why you would do something like that.

Then right before I leave you break up with me. You sleep with me all those days... I don't care how good or bad I am in bed. I don't care how fuckin great my ass looks in booty shorts, or how much I love having sex with you. You really should've said FROM THE VERY BEGINNING I WASN'T YOUR TYPE and you totally didn't like me.

I never wanted to be your friend. You shouldn't have gotten into a relationship even if you weren't getting laid if you didn't.

You now need a girlfriend... NO you just need a slut from a club for a night. You had someone who loved and cared for you. Someone who wanted more with you. If you trully cared and liked me you wouldn't have broken up with me. A girlfriend is someone you can eventually or trully love. A girlfriend isn't just a piece of ass, or the cure to you feeling lonely.

Look just do me a favor. Don't hurt another girl. Good Girls are emotional. We get attached. We'd be cold hearted bitches if we didn't. If you want a good girl their going to get attached. Don't just jump into anything to make her happy.

You said you didn't love me. I got that. Loud and clear. When you wanted time I gave you time time. I thought you wanted to try. You obviously didn't like me for who I was.

Do me a favor. Don't bother sending me a message. You always blew up over the keyboard. You never could talk to me calmly when I came to you about something that bothered me.

I trully was loyal, caring and I did love you. Now you want a girlfriend again... yeah I don't get that. Ecspecially when you said you didn't want one for a while. Why would you put a quote up like that when you know I would see something like that?

Also I just want to throw in... how much I thought you were open minded. I just can't believe that me not going to college was that much of a turn off to you. I'm doing fine as hell. I live comfortably. I have enough to move on my own. I love my job. I now have an agent in California looking for auditions and jobs for me. I'm going to be having the LIFE of traveling, meeting new people, and living in great conditions. I was INTELLIGENT enough to not follow the crowd to go to college when nothing interested me as subjects in the first place. I'm talented. I love making people happy. I listen to people. I love entertaining people. I love being me. God blessed me well, and I'm going to use that blessing to get me somewhere. College isn't the only option. I'm happy with what I have and that's all that counts in the end. If I make it or I don't. I'm not going to shove some sort of degree down someone's throat. I just wanted someone who could like me for me. Care for me. Treat me with respect. Listen. Open up to me, and just grow close together. That's IT!! SIMPLE. I never expected you to put money on me. I never cared about money. I never cared if you went to college or was working at a labor job. I liked you for you, and hopefully one day you can think like that. NOT if I did 4 years of school.

Stop worrying about status. Stop worrying about bragging if your girl has a phd or is americas next top model. Seriously... When you came off caring and were open to talk to me I appreciated it and cherished it. I liked how fun you were, and your determination to find better for yourself.

What if the best for me is without college in the picture...

I just wish you could've liked me for me. Obviously I'm not girlfriend material. I just hope you won't jump into anything just to get what you need out of it like you did me.

I don't mean to be a bitch, but I've had these thoughts in too long. I just want to move on and get to my dreams and find someone who can accept me. I never will if I linger in the past with someone who never appreciated me and liked me for me. The sad part is there's still sooooo much feelings for you. Too many happy memories that make me upset still. Maybe this whole time I saw you as someone you were not. Maybe I just took all the good I saw from you and made it out more then it was... I don't know. I still care, and I wish I didn't. Maybe I'm just upset I'm not that girl. I really don't think so though... I'm more upset how you slept with me and then just broke my heart the next moment.

I've grown strong and I don't need anymore games with my heart. I don't need people to just soak up everything they need out of me and then just throw me into shit.

Good bye. I'm sorry to be this mean and selfish, but the pain you left behind in me is a lot. I mean it, and things you've done have left me feeling used. Even if you didn't... if looks that way. Maybe it's good I feel that way...


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YEAS Im starting to have a Life!! [04 Sep 2007|12:49am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

 I made 113 in tips last night I made 105 this morning.  THAT IS OUTSTANDING <3   I had a table stay up to 6:30 when I was supposed to get off at 4:30.  That was fine with me!!  I got tipped 20 from them.  Plus we all hung out tonight to drink and listen to a comedian.  I DECIDED to take a risk and give my number out to the guy who asked for it.  It was worth it... now I have some drinking buddies.  They have jagermeister so the rock my socks <3

I really am happy with my job.  I LOVEEE IT.  I'm sooo happy and I appreciate the chance to get to work there.  I'm just sooo happy like heaven just smacked into my face.  I feel great now all the time.  I feel like I'm making good money now... I'm doing well to basically start supporting myself!!!

I'm just excited.  PERIOD.  I have butterflies in my stomach for no reason!!


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I'm SAD [02 Sep 2007|01:30am]
[ mood | productive ]

I want to go out, but I have no one to go out with.  I want to meet new guys in my life.  I want to date, but it comes off BAD if a girl walks alone downtown.  I'm desperate to have a social life.  Then again... maybe I don't have one for a reason.  I'm craving a good time with friends, but I have no more up in PA.  I have nothing left here...

I'm frustrated... so frustrated.  I just want someone there.  I'm always alone now.  I'm hoping to eventually make friends with coworkers at work...

I just want my career to boom.  I just want my dreams to happen.  I have got to make it.  I don't want my dreams to die again.

I'm thinking about flying to California to do some auditions and go to agencies.  I need to work on getting a portfolio started first.  Then I'll make the trip.

I'm thinking next summer I'll go.

I've been taking a girl from Syberia Russia back to her house after work.  We get off 1am and she walks downtown.  She asked me for a ride, and I agreed.  It's not safe for a pretty girl to be walking alone late at night.

ANYWHO... Step Up 2 on set was fun.  I go back Thursday and Friday.  They rescheduled.  

I work tommorow from 4:30pm to 1am again.  

I'm trying to save money...  It's hard when I've been in need for some things for a while now.

My photoshoot has been rescheduled for this Saturday the 8th.  The lingerie one going downtown.  


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I almost Crashed and Burned [31 Aug 2007|02:33pm]
[ mood | tired ]

SO...  I met  Channing Tatum in person.  

I was at the bar during a scene.  He was right next to me.  Plus... the other main girl star.  The producer sat right next to me.  Ok maybe that's better then dancing.  The outfit I was in limited me from dancing.  So they had me at the bar as background.  I hugged a girl, did some hand shakes, met some cool people, pretended to give my "date"  my number.  WE LOOK TOTALLY DIFFERENT lol.

The movie is going to be awesome.

I didn't go today, because I almost fell asleep on the road.  I got home 4AM and they expected me to be there at 12:15am.  NOT POSSIBLE.  It would take me an hour and a half to get ready plus another hour and a half to get there so that's like.... 9am I would've have to have gotten up at.  Not good... I'd have to leave like 3am again probally.  It wouldn't be safe... because I almost fell asleep on the road.  I drifted 3 times.  I woke up just in time everytime I almost went into the guard rail.  That's why I didn't go today, because it was bad... I was drifting into the other lane.  GOSH.

They didn't tell us the time to come back... we had to look it up on the website and they didn't have it up when I went to bed.   So I woke up at 12pm.  Look on the website, because I was going to come in anyways.  15 minutes from then... I would've had to have been there.  I heard it was going to be after noon around 1 or 2 pm.  I guess not...

It's not a big deal to meet someone famous.  They're just like me.  They were trying to make it big, and they got there.  ME.... I'm still trying to get there.  So maybe... I'll be just like him just with men wanting me hopefully lol!!

Basically my scene I was in involved me sitting at a bar next to the movie's producer on my left.  she moves... the main girl sits close to me on my left then.  Then from behind me Channing hugs her.  So you see me... like... I guess for a bit.  THE DANCING IS GOING TO BE CRAZY.  Just so you all know.  The dance off last night was GREAT.

I met a guy who was cute, but I don't think I'm going to go back to long distance relationships.  He's from DC.  Every guy I find fuckin interest in is from DC.


I'm tired, and wish I could've made it BUT THEY SUCK AT INFORMING US ON ANYTHING!!!



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Depressed and Happy [28 Aug 2007|10:13pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I love my job.  I really love it....  I don't understand how I rather be at work then home now.

Im content with this job.  I can see myself staying for several years.


Im depressed about my love life.  I HAVE NO LOVE LIFE.


I'm just feeling lonely.  I miss feeling someone's warm body next to me that I could feel secure with at night.  It didnt have to be sex... I actually perfer someone just to hold me so I dont feel used.


I have the worst luck with men.  I can't find anyone Im attracted to.  When I find someone Im attracted to I always go out of my way to talk or whatever.  They never see me pop out from the rest of the girls like I do them.  Maybe Im just another girl...

I just wish I could find someone soon... THEN AGAIN how pointless is that when Im going to move out of state HOPEFULLY BEFORE XMAS?!!?  IT WOULD SUCK A PILE OF ASS if I found the perfect someone and I really wanted to move.  I WOULD MOVE!!  But I would have to leave someone who would've been awesome to keep.

I just hate being lonely...  I really do.  Its not like I need a guy to live, but Im just like every other human being.  I want to be loved.  I want attention.  I want some sort of sexual touch as well eventually.


Honestly I want to get married.  Even if I am young.  Im not going to settle, but I really want security.  I hate DATING AROUND.  I dont care about other guys that much.  I just WANT ONE MAN IN MY LIFE.  I am sooooooo sick of the pond of fish.  I just want the catch.


I want an apartment in Maryland.  I want a man to live with me.  I want someone to come home to.  I want someone to hold me after a long day.  I want someone to sleep with me.   I want someone to share moments together.  I want someone to just feel happy with.



Everyone of my friends have these year or several year relationships.  I CANT EVER HAVE ANYTHING.  Its not fair.  

Ive gone through hell and back.  There's worse scenarios yes, but IVE NEVER HAD SOMEONE FEEL ANYTHING TOWARDS ME.  I feel like shit.  I feel like I dont have a chance with anyone now days, because I have high standards... 

Whatever... I just know one thing.  Im not having sex with anyone till they can feel something for me!!!  NO MORE GIVING OUT FREE SAMPLES.  fuck that shit.

Im sad... Tommorow is the last day Ill have a friend in PA.  After that Christine is going to be a lonely friendless girl.  WOW.  I've grown from no social life to FUCKIN PATHETIC AS FUCK.


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MEN ARE THE FAIL [27 Aug 2007|09:03pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I've seriously... thrown in the towel.

IM SOOOOO SICK of the dating game.  I'm so sick of the emotionaless retards roaming the fuckin dating field as kings and gods.


No feelings...

You know what.  IM ALWAYS MAKING THE EFFORT.  I always am.  I'm the one who asks the guy out.  I'm the one who starts conversating first.  I'm the one who goes out of my way to try and make things work, because I have feelings, or just because I MIGHT BE JUST A TAD BIT INTERESTED.

Men suck.

I'm just sick of it.  It's "DESPERATE"  for a girl to ask a man out.  It's bad if the GIRL gives it up on the first date.  EVERYTHING is BADDDDD if the girl makes the move to try and make the chemistry flow like the Niagra Falls.  NO.

We're just cheap desperate whores.

THEN... if your in a relationship your expect to entertain them.  If you can't talk don't even fuckin worry about it.  You disagree with them on something you insult their man hood and the relationship is over.

I can't even walk up to a man I find to be good looking... ask them on a date, because they would think I do that with every guy I find attractive. 

If you make the first move they don't trust you, because they think you have the potential to get random ass whenever you want.


Another thing. 

A guy expects you to be good looking and groomed.

I can understand that.

I can't understand the disrespect.

I think women have the right to show off some skin and some curves.  DOES NOT mean we're inviting a guy to fuck us...  IT just means I'm feeling fly as hell today and I'm going to show the world my confidence.

That's me anyways.  I feel higher self esteem wise when I wear something sexy.  HAS NOTHING to do with giving it up to anyone.

I also hate men.  HATE.... them when they stay in a relationship with someone they dont like anymore then just a friend.  WTF.  Why are you in a relationship to begin with??  If you want ass work for it like a real man would by picking up a cheap whore or find someone you can love and care about.  MEN are the whores in this world.  Just because they have the penis dosen't mean they should aim for the fuckin top of the sexes.

Im just sick of men.

I try.

I liked trying for people I had interest in.

I just HATE and FUCKIN dispise the results they gave me.

Real men wouldn't be in a relationship with someone they're not interested in. 

That's just fucked up.

No one ever makes the effort on me.  Only in gas.  There's only trying involved when it comes to getting their sex.  

I'm just... tired of guys.  THEY're SO STUPID, UNEMOTIONAL, PIECES OF SHIT.

I hate how they just walk all over women and get away with it.


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Im Not In Training Anymore [27 Aug 2007|01:23am]
[ mood | sore ]

Today was my first day waitressing.

It was hectic.

I liked it, but I hate the cleanup work involved at the end.

My tips sucked for today, because I only had 6 tables due to everyone coming to Hooters to watch a wrestling match.

$61 is all I made.  My highest tip was $15.  

I'm tired.

Im aching all over.

Im glad that photographer canceled on me.  That's the 2nd photographer that canceled on me in one week.

I still think about Daniel...
It's bothersome.   I know I'll get over him eventually I just wish it was soon rather then later.

It's depressing...

Anyways... Im tired.  I should go to bed.


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I Fail [25 Aug 2007|12:33am]
[ mood | calm ]

Yup I bombed the menu test.

I got a 76% on it.  I needed a 90% or above to pass.  So I have to retake it tommorow or Sunday morning.  

I'm exhausted I've been running on Vault soda at work to keep myself going.

Marvin, Daniel's friend, wants to hang out whenever I go down again.  I told him I would be fine with that, because I really did like hanging out with him.  He was a cool laid back guy without the drama and was fun to chill with.  I guess maybe whenever I go down to see Krystal and Stephan Marvin could hang out or something.  I want to go to a club real bad, because I really don't get the chance to in my area.   

I just told Marvin that I didn't want him to bring Daniel, because I'm not ready to see him yet.  Emotionally I'm not ready or even wanting to see him.  I just... want to stick to my new moral of not sleeping with someone until I can trust them and I am secure in a relationship.  I don't want to rush things anymore, and that goes with Daniel too.  He's too charming and a great flirt, kisser, FUCK amazing in bed and I just don't want to fall for it anymore.  IM NOT.

Some guy proposed to me when he was drunk.  He said that all women wish to get kidnaped and taken to dinner, mall, or fall in love.  I told him I don't believe in stupid fantasie like that.  Ecspecially not with a 40 year old man.  DAMN his trap closed faster then a dog eatting a bone. 

I like this one girl I work with.  She's been sweet, and really cool to talk to. 

My photoshoot got canceled for tommorow.   The photographers close friend just died... he said he wouldn't feel up to it after this point in time.  I understand completely... and I wanted to spray paint the headphones, but I didn't have the money so I was going to go without.  I have to whenever he is ready to get it done now.  I was looking forward to it, but I think it's best so I have enough time to get everything to make it cool as fuck.

I'm interested in seeing other people at the sametime I'm not...

Get me?

I want money.... REAL BAD.  I hate that Im working but I have not a dollar to my name.  I NEED TO PASS MY TEST TO START MAKING TIPS... It's making me depressed. : (


I want a dancing outfit, and I think Im going to go to Annapolis Mall just to get one.

I wish I had someone I could cuddle up with and just relax with.  I don't have that... and everyone cannot believe that I don't have a new man after Daniel.  

I have odd taste in men.  I hate dating white guys.  Im not narrow minded or anything, but Im more attracted to other ethnics.  It's just hotter....  White guys I've always given a chance but so far... I have not found anyone Im attracted to.  Plus I had a bad experience with one in bed.  Girl groans are not a good thing to hear in the sack unless it's coming from me AND ONLY ME.

I'm tired.... I want to dance.


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Just One of Those Days... [23 Aug 2007|06:53pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I'm supposed to study for this unecessary test, but I'm just not in the mood.  No matter how much I try to sit down and look at that shit on that packet I'm just not caring a damn.

Tommorow is going to be my first day getting tips, and having my own section.  IF I PASS MY TEST.



Daniel sent a message last night just congragulating me on getting the part.  I said thank you and that was it.

I think it should just stay that way...  He never believed in me to begin with.  He even said he didn't want to get in a relationship with me, because I wasn't going to college.  I think more and more I think about it... he just couldn't feel anything back, because he never agreed with my dreams.  He thinks college is the only way to go in life or your stupid as lemons.  He's SOOOOO close minded.  I hope I can prove him wrong and to fuckers who don't believe in making dreams believable.  WHATEVER... I know Im never dating or even getting in a relationship with another man who thinks like that.

Whatever... I just keep thinking there is a guy out there who hasn't met me yet that is longing to wait for me as well.  I mean I seriously hope to get married and never have a divorce.  I just want someone who is crazy about me like I am them.  SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN ME JUST AS MUCH AS I DO OR EVEN MORE! 

I have no cash to buy a dancing outfit for this movie... It's starting to work on me, because it's a big movie.  I really want a new outfit just for this movie.  You know how you buy a new outfit and you feel extra sexy in it?  Yeah... I want a new outfit.  I just want an outfit and just a look that will blow everyone away.  

I'm exhausted from all the recent stress...

Oh yes I'm going to be doing a photoshoot downtown on the streets Saturday night in just lingerie.  I'll have security and a female assitant with me which will be crazy!!


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Starting to Get My Name Out There!!! [21 Aug 2007|01:39pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

SO your going to find this real funny, but I didn't even come to the casting call to audition.  I didn't have a resume.  I didn't have a photo either.  We just went with Daniel's "girl" friend, Nadia because she wanted to audition for the movie, Step Up 2.  Bruce Daniel's other best friend auditioned too wanting a dancing role.

The lady at the desk told me to just fill out a form anyways, and they would take a poloroid snap shot of me.  I was like no way am I getting a role out of this.  Nadia had a professional picture taken of herself.  She had a resume too... I had nothing.

Well... I was like ok I'll fill the thing out.  I didn't get a call back so I was like yeah that was a waste of time.

They just called me today... asking me to be a dancer during a dance off scene.  This is what Bruce and Nadia went for.  They both had resumes... pictures done and everything.  I had nothing.

I was the only one who got a call back.  I guess that poloroid picture came out pretty damn good then.

I get paid for this as well $58-60 plus for 8-10 or more hours a day.   It's not a lot, but I really don't give a fuck. I go in the 30th, 31st and Sept 4th for filming.  

I find it awesome... I find it very ironic as well too.  

Daniel never believed in me.  He believed in Nadia though... It's completely different though when it came to me.

I sent a bragging IM to him.  If I'm ever going to talk to him again I'm just going to rub everything I suceed in in his face.  He obviously thinks I won't make it and I know I will, because I have some crazy stubborn determination that I know I will.

I just hope these sort of chances continue to come to me.  I hope I make it.  

I just keep on realizing I need to go through hell and back to get a nice oppurtunity like this.  I just went through a shit load of family drama and had a crappy break up.

I just got a job at Hooters.  I just got this oppurtunity.  

I just hope... I can continue to find big things like this.  I think if anything it was God's hand that had a big role in this. 


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